Autism is not a Four Letter Word

On a hot night, in July of 2010,  I was laying in bed, not sleeping at about two in the morning, when I learned a very important lesson.  After a particularly rough visit to Costco, jam packed with a crying meltdown in the self checkout line and a lot of judging stares, I calmly came home and put my two mischievous sons to bed and then broke down in tears.

Why was I picked to walk this journey? Who decided that I was fit to be a mother to a special needs child? Why was I was forced to join a club I never asked to be a part of?  It shook me to my core that night to know that my life is forever changed by the A word.  I couldn’t even mumble the A word that night; it just hurt too much.

My heart was aching and hot tears were silently flowing.  After several wake-ups by both boys, I was tucking B back into bed when I experienced a moment of clarity in the wee hours of the night.  I came to the conclusion that Autism is not a Four Letter Word.

I do not have to be ashamed. It is OK to admit that it hurts sometimes when I see a family enjoying their shopping trip together. There is nothing wrong with being proud of my son for only waking up once during the night even though he is almost five.  But most of all there is no reason to hide the ray of sunshine that is my beautiful boy who happens to have autism.

I have two blond-haired, blue-eyed boys that lead me down the ragged, unkempt path that is our life everyday, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.  They are my light on that sometimes dark and scary path.  They have taught me some of the most important lessons of my life.  The lesson that my B helped me learn that night and I hope to share with the world is that Autism is not a Four Letter Word.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. akbutler
    Sep 15, 2010 @ 13:18:11

    I’m so glad you found me today because now I’ve found you. This was a perfect description of my everyday feelings. thank you for sharing.
    (and it’s ok to be proud of your son for only waking up once during the night! In our house, that’s called a miracle! 🙂 )
    consider me a new fan and reader.


    • autismisnot
      Sep 15, 2010 @ 13:45:06

      Thank you so much!

      It gives me so much comfort in knowing that there are others who really, truly understand what we are going through. There are days when I feel so alone, but having people like you to refer back to gives me the hope I need to make it through each day.


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