My Son has Autism

The day we received the news that B did indeed fall within the autism spectrum was one of the most difficult days of my life.  I had never before felt a blow of such epic proportions.  I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t move.  I was completely and utterly paralyzed sitting in a vacant office next to my cube at work just sobbing.  I remember saying to myself, he is just a normal kid, he isn’t so different is he?

You see, B is our oldest child and he is all we have ever known.  Sure, I babysat a lot as a teenager and have younger cousins and lots of experience with younger children.  Sure, I have been saying since the day that B was born that it just wasn’t the same for me.  I couldn’t just get out of the house like other people.  I couldn’t shop by myself with my little bundle of joy.  I didn’t have a kid that slept through the night at an appropriate age.  But he is all we ever knew, and although we knew he was a little high maintenance, he was ours and he was perfect.  After all, he met all his milestones (well, other than sleeping through the night) well before the normal age.  Nothing could be wrong with my baby.

I think, as parents, we all wear our blinders when it comes to our child.  I had seen B playing at the park and Sunday school with other children.  I had watched him interact and do great at daycare.  I had seen him in many settings and never thought twice about how different he is from the other children.

To me, B was just a little more.  He is a little more sensitive to his surroundings.  He is a little more prone to meltdowns.  He is a little more touchy feely.  He is a little more apt to run into things.  He is a little less aware of personal boundaries.  It turns out, all of these little mores added up to one big diagnosis. My son has autism.

With my newfound knowledge of all things autism, I took off my blinders and saw what his evaluation team was telling me.  My son has autism.  My son has autism. My son has autism.  No matter how I said it, it still hurt.

I am trying to put the hurt aside and I am beginning to realize he is the same little boy that I sent in to be evaluated, I just know more now.  My new normal doesn’t mean that B has changed, it means that my vocabulary has changed.  I decided I didn’t need to take off my blinders completely, but just adjust them a bit and I am now able to see B as he is, on the autism spectrum and perfect as ever.


6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Lisa
    Sep 14, 2010 @ 19:05:07

    BIG HUGS! And keep writing. ~Lisa


  2. Jennifer
    Sep 14, 2010 @ 22:50:15

    Thank you for the insight. Very inspiring!


  3. spectrummymummy
    Sep 15, 2010 @ 12:53:45

    Mine is definitely a little “more” too, and there are definitely days I’d prefer a little less, but I can’t and wouldn’t change her (or him for that matter)! Keep writing, it is parent therapy!


  4. Jaimee
    Oct 01, 2010 @ 18:08:36

    I came across this post today and it hit home…we’ve been seeing a psychologist to help coach us on parenting OUR child who is “more.” He is our oldest as well. We now have an appointment scheduled to do the ADOS testing for him, and a few other assessments…so an official diagnosis is looming over our heads.

    I’m signing up for your blog updates!


    • autismisnot
      Oct 02, 2010 @ 22:09:00

      Hi Jaimee

      I took a quick look at your blog and I see we have a great deal in common. I look forward to becoming a reader of your blog as well. I will be thinking of you as you go through the evaluation process. I know what a taxing time it can be.


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