Thinking and Crying

I spent my evening last night beginning the long, emotionally draining process of filling out the Infant/Toddler Sensory Profile and the Bayley Social-Emotional and Adaptive Behavior Questionnaire.   Those 300+ questions have the ability to make a grown man, or woman in this case, cry.

I was doing just fine as I was filling out the Sensory Profile while B and A happily played away in the basement.   I was able to go through and quickly answer many of the questions and then went back through and thought intently about the rest and made some comments at the end of each section.   I started working through the Bayley Questionnaire, but then had to stop to go put A to sleep.

This is when things got hairy.  My husband and B left to go to Target to pick up a few things and I was alone in the quiet of our house rocking and nursing my baby to sleep.  The familiar tune of twinkle-twinkle was playing on the sound machine, the room had a warm glow as the sun set, A was softly stroking my skin as his sweet little body drifted into slumber and I started crying. The crocodile tears were a flowing.

I sat in A’s room rocking and crying and thinking for a long time after he fell asleep.  As I studied his perfect little silhouette, I was thinking and crying about many things.

What did I do wrong?

What can I do to just make this go away?

What did they do to deserve a more difficult life?

I know the answers to these questions: nothing, nothing, and some more nothing, but I still think them and cry over them.  I think and I cry because I feel so helpless, yet at the same time so overwhelmed and overworked in all of this.

By going through this process, I know in my heart that I am doing the best thing by having A evaluated.  He is so much like B was at this age; I know what I am seeing.   But then the mother’s guilt sets in and I think I may be selling him short by focusing on all these signs.  And then I cry.

I think and I cry.  I cry and I think.  I can’t stop thinking.  I can’t stop crying.

I know we haven’t been officially riding this roller coaster for long, but when does it get easier? Does it ever get easier?  Will I ever stop thinking? Will I ever stop crying?


4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. akbutler
    Oct 05, 2010 @ 09:28:15

    oh, sending you virtual hugs (and as a non-hugger, that’s hard for me to do!). I’ve do been there. Those questionnaires bring out the ugly cry in me every time. It’s ok to cry, grieve, whatever you need to do. I don’t want to say it gets easier, it gets different. You know more as time goes on. You find people who understand and it makes the low points easier to handle. You’ll get the tools you need to get you through the day.
    I’m with you today.


  2. spectrummymummy
    Oct 05, 2010 @ 12:03:00

    Virtual hugs from me too. I’m definitely not crying so much the second time around, and I have more hope, I understand more. But I can’t say it is easier, I wish I could.


  3. autismisnot
    Oct 05, 2010 @ 12:29:28

    Thank you too, SM. Some days I feel like understanding more makes me think and cry even more! Thinking of you tomorrow…


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